Most students remember their first time touring the brick pathways of the University. They carry fond memories of the guide acting like they practice walking backward in their free time and the parent who asked 34 questions about transfer credit. They have chronic nightmares about that moment of sheer terror when they had to come up with an interesting fact about themselves for an icebreaker. Although aspiring students cannot experience the same joyful moments in this day and age, University tours recently received several major upgrades.
Remember when parking garages were for cars? Frankly, it made way too much sense. The people demanded something more, and the University listened. Thanks to this upgrade, you will notice a long line of tired college students drooling into plastic tubes when you roll into the Central Grounds Garage.
“If I work hard enough, I might get to do that one day,” aspiring students will think with a smile.
“On your right,” your free audio guide will announce, “you can see real students taking COVID-19 saliva tests. Did you know? A popular method among students is to imagine a pint of overpriced ice cream in front of them. The University is even considering installing hunger traps in testing locations. These elaborate buffets are filled with chocolate fountains, cotton candy machines, 14 flavors of vegan brownies, meat-free Wagyu beef — an empty plate — and an artisanal pickle station. Since the budget for a single buffet outweighs that of all dining halls combined, tuition rates are tripling next year, but we anticipate no backlash.”
Continue your tour by masking up and heading towards Newcomb Hall. Now is the perfect time to sit in on a class that matches your interests. Simply pull out a laptop and click on a $39.99 non-refundable pirated Zoom link to a class session. Unfortunately for many visitors, the refund policy stands even if the professor forgets to click unmute during the entire lecture.
Visitors can pay an extra $20 fee for the breakout room experience, in which they find themselves being thrown into “Breakout Room 4” without any warning. Exactly three seconds will pass before the college students in the group hesitantly greet each other. One by one, each member of the group will mute themselves again.
An enthusiastic visitor remarked, “I never knew college classes were so … tranquil,” after splurging on the worthwhile breakout room experience. Visitors are strongly advised to frantically click the “Leave Meeting” button before they find themselves alone with the professor.
During your tour, the white tents are a sight not to be missed, even if you are short on time. Photos in front of the tents are a unique Instagram opportunity that will revolutionize your grid. One visitor commented “the Eiffel Tower is nothing next to these architectural feats.” If you are lucky enough to arrive in the evening, sit on the Lawn and watch their shiny plastic canopies reflect the sunset.
For the last hurrah of your unforgettable tour, order a Spring Triple Threat Cake — an unsettling combination of confetti, carrot cake and Irish potato cookies — iced with “Bite Me” from Insomnia Cookies. Yes, an Irish potato cookie exists. Yes, you are going to eat it. No, you are not going to regret it after five seconds — it will only take one. To more accurately taste the college experience, wait patiently until two in the morning and have it delivered to your favorite curb.
Now that you have all the tools you need to make the most of these thrilling upgrades, get out there and start touring. By the way, the University has suspended all in-person visits, but we can keep dreaming.
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March 29, 2021 at 09:44PM
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Long-awaited upgrades to U.Va. tours are finally here - University of Virginia The Cavalier Daily
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