Once again, there was a Republican primary debate. Once again, Donald Trump was not there.
Moderators Lester Holt, Kristen Welker, Hugh Hewitt: Hello! You’re here. We have questions. Why you and not Trump?
Ron DeSantis: For my opening statement in this debate, I will offer a speed-run of every cliché uttered in politics since the dawn of time. Elites look down on you. I will fight for your family. Actions speak louder than words, so please imagine that the rest of my debate performance is an action. I will take the arrows and the slings. I am not clear on how archery works. I will prevent us from spiraling into decline. If we move toward decline in any other manner, we are out of luck. All I know how to prevent are spirals. The artificial intelligence that wrote this speech said you would cheer after you heard this.
Nikki Haley: I will be better than Trump because I am an accountant and because I exist in the present, whereas he existed in the past. I think he would want me to continue his great work today. We can only guess at what he would want, were he still around. Sometimes, I can almost hear him.
Vivek Ramaswamy: This question is a trick designed to pit me against Trump, and I will not respond to it. I am not here to answer debate questions. I am here to challenge the moderators to a duel.
Moderator: Please don’t.
Ramaswamy: Fine, then I am here to challenge Ronna McDaniel to a duel. I will find whoever it is who is making the Republican Party lose elections, and I will fight that person, even if I have to fight every Republican in this room, and most Republicans on a national and statewide level, and, ultimately, myself.
Haley: You will.
Tim Scott: I’m also here! What ever happened to the Bible? Let’s bring that back.
Moderator: Now that Israeli troops are in Gaza City, what would you be urging Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to do?
DeSantis: Don’t stop on my account. Do more. Do worse things.
Moderator: Humanitarian pause?
Haley: Finish them. Finish them!
Ramaswamy: I would go even further and say, while you do that, I will go to our southern border and smoke the terrorists who are there.
Moderator: Wait, are you advocating starting a war with Mexico?
Ramaswamy: (grins mysteriously) I am not a fan of foreign wars that do not advance anybody’s interest. Unlike Dick Cheney in three-inch heels over there! Of which there are two on this stage!
Haley: They are even higher heels than that, and they are ammunition. And, yes, I think that kind of ammunition should be legal!
Ramaswamy: Two Dick Cheneys in heels! One thing I’ve always found is that if you have made a good joke, you should repeat it several times just to make sure everybody got it. That’s the sign of a really good joke — if you have to keep repeating it!
Haley: We have to respond with strength, not with fear. What was the question?
Ramaswamy: Two! Two Dick Cheneys in heels. Haley and also somebody else.
Question: What do you say to students on college campuses in the face of antisemitism?
Ramaswamy: Because Haley is in heels, but I am also implying that DeSantis is in heels, you see. Two of them, in heels! Two! My joke!
Hewitt: Listen. I must know. We have 291 ships in our Navy. How many ships would be a better number?
Haley: We must modernize our military with AI and space!
Hewitt: I am going to have to have a number on the ships.
DeSantis: I’m going to randomly say 600. That seems good. Did I seem too comfortable randomly generating a number? I generated it like a human would have.
Ramaswamy: I have no number, but I have some stern words for Haley.
Chris Christie: I have noticed that nobody had a number. I don’t have a number, either. That’s just a thing I noticed.
Haley: I actually think it’s a little weird that you want a specific number of ships.
Moderator: What about TikTok?
Christie: I would ban TikTok on my first week. (sighs) Who are we kidding? Why are we including me in scenarios where I have to imagine what being president would be like? I’m just here in case Trump shows up, so I can insult him, but he isn’t coming. But I will wait my whole life if I have to.
DeSantis: On my first week, I would go to the border, with the National Guard, and shoot someone. Mexico would pay for the wall, using remittances.
(Moderator sadly flips the Minutes Since Someone Onstage Has Advocated Starting War With Mexico Counter back to 0.)
Haley: I, too, am opposed. Meanwhile, Vivek is on TikTok!
Ramaswamy: Haley’s daughter is on TikTok!
Ramaswamy: But did you hear my joke, about the heels?
(Haley takes off heels and begins sharpening one of them menacingly.)
Ramaswamy: I think building the wall does not go far enough. I am the only candidate who has been to the northern border, which is a Swiss cheese, full of tunnels, and I think we need to build walls on both borders. Don’t just build the wall. Build BOTH walls! No, build all FOUR walls. I want to encase the United States entirely in walls. Our worst enemy is the sea.
(The scary thing is that you, reading this recap, do not know which of these things he actually said, and two of these sentences are verbatim quotes, and one is a very close paraphrase.)
Moderator: Sure. I think you are just saying words now.
DeSantis: You know what they say about words? Actions are stronger than them. I’m doing the best at this.
Moderator: Abortion. Seems like a political loser for the GOP. Discuss.
Haley: Why would we want to discuss it? I say, forget about it! Everyone needs to stop being so mad about it because, realistically, we will never get a nationwide ban through Congress! It’s just not happening.
Scott: I will not rest until we get a nationwide 15-week ban through Congress.
Ramaswamy: As a man, I think that men are often too afraid to have their voices heard on this issue.
(The thunderous, pained laughter of millions of women threatens to drown out the rest of the debate.)
Ramaswamy: Nikki, commit to getting a nationwide 15-week ban through Congress!
Christie: This is the opposite of what we have been trying to do for years. I think we need to also value life after it is born.
(Confused silence)
Christie: Like, with the opioid crisis, specifically. Not in all scenarios.
(Sighs of relief)
Moderators: And now for commercials for TikTok and the Ridley Scott film “Napoleon.” Please don’t draw any inferences from the fact that these were the people who bought commercial time during this debate. … And, we’re back! Anything we didn’t get to?
Christie: I’m running for president because I’m tired. Tired of fighting Trump. Please, stop this man, so I can finally rest.
Ramaswamy: Joe Biden isn’t even president now! He is a puppet of the managerial class! I am just running so I can meet whomever it is who really runs the government!
Haley: The world is on fire! Visit NikkiHaley.com!
DeSantis: I will take slings, arrows and barbs! I am a father of children! Nothing will stop me from reciting my opening statement verbatim. Without terrible news about something I have done to the people in Florida, this is all I have to keep me in the news! Put a human, approachable ending here!
Scott: I was also here!
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