There we were, at the pot luck at Iowa’s farmhouse. Virginia brought a Smithfield ham. Pennsylvania brought scrapple. Kentucky brought some bourbon. As for me — the Pine Tree State — I brought lobster, of course. They used to say, as goes me, so goes the nation. But to be honest, this hasn’t been true for decades.
Sometimes I miss it, being a bellwether.
I’d arrived with my old friend Massachusetts, who looked a little irritated. “Who’s it gonna be this time?” she sighed. Every four years, Iowa goes speed dating, and then melodramatically announces her choice to the rest of us, as if we’re supposed to follow her lead. It’s not like we don’t care about Iowa. But, please. We’re all making choices, too.
Before I could answer, though, Iowa welcomed us in. “Maine, Massachusetts!” Iowa gushed. “Come on in! Have some bacon ice cream!”
“Bacon ice cream, ugh,” said Pennsylvania.
“Says the state who brought scrapple,” muttered Kentucky.
“Commonwealths, please!” said Iowa. “We’re not here to fight.”
“No?” said New Jersey, a little disappointed. “Then why are we here again?”
“Because I’m in love!” shouted Iowa. “In love, I say!”
“Here we go,” Massachusetts said, already exhausted. Four years ago, Iowa hooked up with Ted Cruz. The rest of us were skeptical. “Ted Cruz,” New Hampshire said back then. “That’s the kind of person a Texas would date.”
She didn’t mean it as a compliment exactly.
Of course, New Hampshire went speed dating that same year, and that’s how we got Donald. So New Hampshire’s not like some big expert, either.
Three years in, the relationship with Donald is taking its toll on everybody, except for maybe Alabama. “Donald tells it like it is,” Alabama always says, like this is a good thing. It makes me wonder: Why settle for someone who tells it like it is, when you could be with someone who tells you how it might be different?
“Can I just remind you, Iowa? Eight years ago, you were in love with Rick Santorum!”
“Rick Santorum,” said Iowa wistfully. “I almost forgot about Rick Santorum.”
“And in 2008, you said Mike Huckabee. Remember Mike Huckabee?”
“Now you’re just being mean.”
“No, what I’m saying is — you’re not a bellwether!”
“Aw,” said South Carolina, whose primary is Feb. 29. “Somebody’s jealous!”
“Shut up, South Carolina,” I said. “Eight years ago you picked Newt Gingrich!”
“Now, now,” said Iowa. “Who picked Jimmy Carter in 1976? Me!”
“Iowa,” I said. “In 1976, Jimmy Carter was your second choice. Your first choice was ‘Uncommitted.’”
“Uncommitted,” said Iowa, wistfully. “You know, there are times when I wish Uncommitted really could be president.”
“Come on, just tell us about Mr. Wonderful already,” Massachusetts said. “Or Ms. And your democratic process, which — involves what again? People making butter sculptures?”
“Da, da,” said Russia, laughing quietly. “Tell us about democratic process, ha-ha-ha.”
“Russia, what are you doing here?” asked Maryland. “Nobody invited you!”
“And yet here I am,” Russia said, still laughing.
“What’s so funny?”
“You’ll see,” Russia said.
“All right, look,” said Iowa. “I’ll tell you the whole story. I went into it thinking, the main thing is, I want somebody who can give Donald what-for. So my first thought was — Kamala Harris? She was a prosecutor, seemed like she could really make the case. But then the thing that I saw in her at first seemed to fade. Was it her, or was it me? Anyway, then I figured, well, why not Good Old Joe? Because I’ve known him for ages, and I like him. I mean, sure, sometimes I worry about the stuff that comes out of his mouth, but he’s familiar.
“But later, when I talked to Joe, it was like he was — tired, or something? Like his heart wasn’t really in it. So jeez, I thought, well, Warren’s smart, dynamic, and she’s got a plan for everything! So Warren, definitely. But then I thought a little more about the Medicare-for-everybody thing, and I got nervous.”
“What’s so wrong with health care for everybody?” said California. “You get sick, you get covered, that’s so wrong?”
“I don’t know, it made me antsy. Like that means I lose my insurance company?”
“You hate your insurance company!” California pointed out.
“I know!” Iowa shouted back. “That’s what brought me to Bernie, who — say what you want, but he’s got fire! I mean, he might be impractical — but he’s got ideals. Maybe someone with high ideals is what I need now — after — you know. …”
We nodded. We did know.
“Then I was like, how about this Mayor Pete? He’s a vet, he’s likable. Also, he’s not scary! And this year, ‘not scary’ is definitely a plus.”
“Come on, already,” said Massachusetts, glancing at her watch. “Just give us the results already!”
I looked at Iowa with anticipation. Because to tell the truth, I’m still kind of confused, and I’m having my own primary on March 3.
What Iowa said before was true. There are times when it would be nice if you really could just pick Uncommitted.
“The results are — uh.” Iowa’s eyes suddenly filled with tears. “Are, uh ——”
“Come on! Stop stalling!” yelled New Hampshire. “Out with it! Who’s your choice!”
“I don’t know!” wept Iowa. “My results are kind of like, a mess?”
“What do you mean ‘a mess’?” said New Hampshire. “You’ve been speed dating for a year now! How can you not know?”
“I mean, I think it’s Buttigieg? But also Bernie! Because I want someone who won’t shake things up too much! And also someone who will.”
“Girlfriend,” said California. “You’re a train wreck.”
The tears rolled down Iowa’s face. “I know!” she said. “Believe me, I know!”
“Iowa,” I said. “It’s going to be all right. Seriously.”
“Is it?” she asked. “Is it?”
Kentucky picked up the bourbon. “Can we open this now?”
We all had a dram. A dreamy, sad expression crossed Iowa’s face.
“I just want somebody who won’t break my heart,” she said. “Is that so much to ask?”
“Ha-ha-ha,” said Russia.
“What’s so funny?” I asked.
“You’ll see,” said Russia.
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